


Water into Wine, Wine into... What?!

by SilentJo



Series: Heavenly Blunders for the Unoffended (aka Jesus Did His Best) [2]
Category: Christian Bible
Genre: Comedy, Gen, God's a Wedding Crasher, I Don't Even Know, Late Night Writing, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-17
Updated: 2017-10-17
Packaged: 2019-01-18 14:24:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12389898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilentJo/pseuds/SilentJo
Summary: "It's... it's all gone.  They drank it all and now there's no wine left,"  Mary began to pout as she looked up to her son.  "It would just be such a shame to have a lovely wedding end now.  Isn't there... something you can do, Jesus?"This story is based on the story of Jesus turning water into wine at a wedding in Cana.  Please remember that this is a parody series and is not meant to offend, only amuse.





	Water into Wine, Wine into... What?!

"We are so happy to welcome you to this joyous wedding, please enjoy our food and drink!"   
  
Jesus had accompanied his mother, Mary, to the wedding as a favor.  He wouldn't have jumped at the invitation if it had just been him that had been invited.  But he still found it difficult to tell his mom 'no' whenever she asked him for something.  Even though he knew his purpose was to spread the word of his Heavenly Father, he just wasn't all that interested in watching people he hardly knew get hitched.  
  
"Thank you so much for your invitation, we would have been beside ourselves if we had missed such a beautiful occasion, right Jesus?"  Mary had already begun to partake in the wine being offered to the guests, so her usual quiet demeanor had devolved into a much more talkative and... uninhibited one.    
  
Jesus let out a short sigh before replying dryly, "of course Mother, wouldn't have missed it for the world."  The greeter for the ceremony smiled and continued on his way around the crowd.  
  
"You know, you could stand to be a little more social, son," Mary said as she took another sip from her cup.  "Go and mingle!  There are plenty of attractive girls here for you to meet.  Lord knows, with all the time you spend wandering around with your male friends, it's a miracle in itself that no one has started thinking that you're..."  
  
"Okay!  I'll go!  See, I'm mingling!"  He walked away from her, shaking his head and wondering just how he always ends up in these situations.    
  
 _Maybe I can just hide out in one of the stables until the ceremony.  Sitting amongst the Asses would be preferable to having to listen to my intoxicated Mother prattle on about my sex life.  Or lack thereof._  
  
And so, Jesus managed to avoid his Mother's presence for a few hours.  He had even met up with some of his disciples that had also been invited to the wedding.  They had gathered around telling stories from their travels when Mary stumbled towards the group.  
  
"Jesus!  Oh God, Jesus!  There's a s-serious problem, son," she slurred as she pawed at Jesus' face, her hands cupped against his cheeks and jerking his head around with each syllable she spoke.    
  
"You're completely wasted, Mother!  We talked about this, you promised you'd drink in moderation from now on," he said as he grabbed her wrists and pulled them away from his face.  "What could possibly be more serious than your obvious alcohol problem?"  
  
"It's... it's all gone.  They drank it all and now there's no wine left,"  Mary began to pout as she looked up to her son.  "It would just be such a shame to have a lovely wedding end now.  Isn't there... something you can do, Jesus?"  
  
 _Oh geez, she's using the sad puppy eyes again..._  
  
Jesus could only facepalm and shake his head.  "Okay, fine.  But you have to swear to me that you'll cut yourself off and sober up after this.  Do you promise?"  
  
"Sure, sweetheart.  Just make sure it's a good vintage.  It's bad enough the groom's family couldn't afford to keep their party fully stocked.  No need to throw more shade on them for serving bad wine, too."  She smiled as she sauntered away towards the wedding servants.  "You see that guy over there?  That's my son, and you make sure you do whatever he tells you to do if you want to keep this party going!"  
  
 _Oh well, I suppose I could turn this into a lesson and a way to show the disciples some of my Glory.  I don't know though, this miracle may not even be worth re-telling on the road._  
  
The servants approached him and offered their help with what he had planned.  He instructed them to prepare six large stone jars and fill them with water.  He walked past each jar, silently blessing them as he went along.  When he had finished, he told one of the servants to sample the water from the first jar.  
  
"Oh my... this is some of the best wine I've ever tasted!"  The crowd had once again gathered around the newly refreshed libations and the reception continued on.  The disciples looked at Jesus in awe and patted him on the back to show their respect and approval before returning to their cups.  
  
Jesus had gone to look for Mary and found her passed out against a nearby tree.  _Well at least she'll be quiet now, but how am I supposed to get her up from there?_   He was about to go ask his friends to help him when he noticed a familiar shroud amongst the attendees, standing suspiciously close to one of the wine jars.  
  
 _Oh no, what now?!_  
  
"Funny seeing you here, Dad.  Is there any particular reason why you're disguised like that, aside from the fact that you likely didn't receive an invitation for this thing?"  
  
God turned to face his Son, a sly grin showing on his face.  "Oh, well hello there, kiddo.  No, no I wasn't invited, but who can resist the chance to let loose and turn down with some friends!"  
  
"What did you do?"  Jesus looked at his Father and crossed his arms over his chest.  "There's no way you're just casually joining into the festivities.  You spiked the wine, didn't you?"  He stepped over to the jar that his Father stood next to, drew a cup and took a long drink.  
  
"Pfft!"  Jesus spit the majority of it on God's face, who had doubled over in a laughing fit.  
  
"Tequila!!!  Why did you change it t-to tequila!"  Jesus wiped his mouth and face dry with his sleeve.  
  
He waited impatiently for God to finish giggling.  "Because kid, this party needed a bit more of a boost than the 'classy vintage' that you whipped up.  Trust me, you and your buddies are going to really appreciate this.  Ever heard of a body shot, son?"  
  
"Dad, this is just...  I can't even with you right now.  Can you at least help me get Mother up so we can leave?"  
  
"Sorry, kid, you're on your own with that one.  The last time I tried to offer her assistance when she was drunk, she asked if we could 'make another Jesus, the natural way this time' and nearly ripped off my favorite shroud."  
  
Jesus watched as his Father refilled his glass with tequila and wandered off into the dancing crowd.  All he could do was sigh heavily as he took his cup and filled it with tequila.  
  
"He may be an impossibly irresponsible person at times, but... I think he may have been on to something with this stuff.  I'm curious about this... body shot as well.  One or two drinks won't hurt anything, it's only tequila after all."


End file.
